HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL

JUST WANTED TO WISH EVERYONE A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR. MAY YOU GET ALL YOU WANT THIS YEAR. I LOVE YOU ALL

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS

I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A MOMENT AND WISH EVERYBODY A VERY VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR. I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE YOUR HUSBAND SHOPPING WITH YOU

On my day off, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips toWal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring andPreferred to get in and get out.Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved toBrowse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from theLocal Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Stephenson,Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite aCommotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have beenForced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Udren are listed below and are documented by our video surveillanceCameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people'sCarts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to thewomen's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an officialVoice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M'sOn layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told otherShoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blanketsFrom the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he beganCrying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it asA mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, heAsked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudlyHumming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'MadonnaLook by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsedThrough, yelled 'Pick Me! Pick Me!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, heAssumed a fetal position and screamed 'Oh No! It's Those VoicesAgain!
'And last, but not least.
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waitedAwhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper inHere!'

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

(Use Rest Room Before Reading )
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5.Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler to mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air

A NEW CHRISTMAS POEM

A FRIEND OF MINE SENT ME THIS AND I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE IT WITH EVERYONE I HOPE IT HITS YOUR HEART LIKE IT DID MINE
New Christmas Poem TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE, IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE. I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE, AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE. I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE, NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE. NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND, ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS. WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND. FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY, I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY. THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE, CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME. THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER, NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER. WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ? CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED? I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT, OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT. SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY, AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY. THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR, BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE. I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE, ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME. THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE, I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY. THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE, 'SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE; I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE, MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY! COUNTRY, MY CORPS.' THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP, I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP. I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL. I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT, THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT. THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE, WHISPERED, 'CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.' ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT. 'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT