TOO FUNNY

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. . HOLY COW . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE !!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife, who can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY

I JUST WANTED TO TAKE THIS TIME AND WISH EVERYONE A VERY HAPPY 4TH OF JULY

A DREAM COME TRUE

I HAVE HAD A COUPLE OF MY DREAMS COME TRUE IN MY LIFE. ONE WAS I HAVE KNOWN WHAT TRUE LOVE REALLY WAS. I HAVE GOT TO SEE ONE OF MY IDOLS IN CONCERT ( ELTON JOHN ) AND NOW ANOTHER DREAM HAS COME TRUE. TODAY I TRADED IN MY CAR FOR A 4X4 PICK UP WITH A CAMPER SHELL EXTENDED CAB. IT IS BEAUTIFUL. I HAVE BEEN ON CLOUD NINE ALL NIGHT. WHEN I FINALLY GOT HOME FROM SHOWING IT OFF TO EVERYONE, I JUST SAT IN THE PARKING LOT AND LISTENED TO A CD AND JUST COULD NOT GET OUT OF IT. LOL. NOW I HAVE MY FISHING AND CAMPING VEHICLE. IT IS A 1991 MAZDA 2600 I 4X4. AND IT ONLY TOOK ABOUT 30 YEARS TO ACHEIVE THIS DREAM.

I LOVE YARD SALES

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YARD SALES. I WENT TO A COUPLE LAST WEEK AND FOUND A COUPLE GREAT BUYS. ONE OF THEM WAS A DECAPODGE CLOCK AND THE OTHER WERE SOME THROW PILLOWS FOR MY COUCH. THE CLOCK WAS $5.00 AND THE PILLOWS WERE $3.00. NOW TRY AND FIND THOSE IN A STORE FOR THAT PRICE.

A MIRACLE PILL

FOR A LITTLE OVER 3 WEEKS NOW I HAVE BEEN TAKING A PILL TO HELP ME STOP SMOKING. IT IS CALLED CHANTIX. IT IS A MIRACLE PILL TO ME BECAUSE AS OF TODAY I AM NOW 11 DAYS SMOKE FREE. I DID WANT TO QUIT AND WHEN I WENT AND SAW MY DOCTOR SHE PRECRIBED IT FOR ME AND IT WORKED. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

FATHERS DAY FISHING TRIP

I KNOW IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE FATHERS DAY BUT I HAVE BEEN VERY BUSY AND HAVE NOT BEEN ON THE COMPUTER MUCH. ON FATHERS DAY MY DAD MY UNCLE BUTCH AND I GOT TO TAKE A MUCH NEEDED FISHING TRIP. WE HAD A GREAT DAY. THE FISHING WAS VERY SLOW BUT IT DID NOT MATTER THE DAY WAS RELAXING AND PEACEFUL. I CAUGHT 3 FISH, MY UNCLE CAUGHT 3 FISH, AND MY DAD CAUGHT 1 FISH. THE ONLY PIC I GOT WAS OF MY UNCLES CATCH. THANK YOU DAD AND UNCLE BUTCH FOR JOINING ME ON FATHERS DAY. I LOVE YOU BOTH AND I HAD A BLAST.